


You're lucky that you're funny

by limeta



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Multi, Sane Tom Riddle, Sarcastic Harry Potter, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29224914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limeta/pseuds/limeta
Summary: Tom Riddle travels into the future, meets the Golden Trio, instantly becomes rivals with Hermione and to spite her decides to woo her brother figure Harry Potter. But oh no, Harry's bants are quite lovely and he's falling for him. Damn it.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 8
Kudos: 246
Collections: Tomarrymort Valentines Exchange 2021





	You're lucky that you're funny

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunflower123ink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower123ink/gifts).



Firstly. Tom Riddle’s travelled into the future by sheer accident, all right. It isn’t something that he’s planned and if anyone thinks it’s planned it’s solely because he’s said so in order to keep his blunder a secret. It’s much more impressive if one travels into the future on purpose rather than to travel into the future by the seam of one’s pants by pure bloody accident.

Tom Riddle doesn’t do accidents. He’s a meticulous being of planning and cunning. Abraxas Malfoy is the type of man to do accidents. In fact, he even favours them and has Tom bail him out of his catastrophic life nearly every day.

So, no: Tom Riddle hasn’t travelled into the future on purpose, but if anyone’s asking – yes, he has. Because he’s Head Boy Tom Riddle and his OWL scores are the highest scores to ever be scored in the history of Hogwarts. Yes, Hermione Granger included.

Gods, Tom doesn’t fancy Hermione Granger and her many, many highlighters. It’s all just a bloody waste. Work smart, not hard. Tom’s got photogenic memory and it’s saved him lots of hours. Does anyone truly, properly think that they can study all of the things he’s studied in the restricted section without having already memorized his regular schoolwork? They do? Goodness, they must really not understand what gifted kids go through in order to remain gifted. It’s really a fine line between depression and uttermost homicide.

With all of that out of the way – _secondly_!

Harry Potter is an absolute idiot whose only redeeming quality is his penchant for being good at DADA (Defence, for fuck’s sake – Tom doesn’t understand why they’ve changed the name – but he does gather it’s got something to do with censorship. Dumbledore and he have an understanding not to speak to each other. Minerva McGonagall is a much better professor than Dumbledore’s ever been. These are just facts and Tom Riddle isn’t above saying them.)

Anyhow. Back to Harry fucking Potter.

Tom’s kind of begun dating him. More or less to spite Hermione Granger. More or less to become a part of Hermione Granger’s group of friends and sabotage her so her NEWTs scores are lesser than his. Hermione glares at him from the Gryffindor table. Tom returns the glare from the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy attempts to glare at Harry from the Slytherin table. Harry just gives Draco a thumbs up from the Gryffindor table. Tom has to contain the burst of laughter that’s threatening to mince his insides. Draco’s like a knock off Abraxas Malfoy and Tom doesn’t like him one bit. Abraxas is, at least, funny. Draco only whinges about this and that.

Tom is polite to Draco, however. If only because Abraxas has ever so kindly allowed Tom to spend the summer holiday at Malfoy Manor and Tom’s not an idiot. He’s learned what happens when you antagonize children bigger and richer than you. You get punched in the face. Usually literally, but with Draco it feels more of a metaphorical punch.

This sort of thing is a perfect introduction to: **Thirdly**!

Harry Potter’s a lot more sarcastic than he lets on.

And Tom Riddle, what with being from London and feeling superior to everyone around him, absolutely relishes whenever he spots Harry bloody freaking Potter commenting on _anything_.

Their friendship begins during Divination. Harry and Tom are sitting together while Hermione and Ron are not in Divination because she’s managed to pull him out of this class for a snog session. Plus, Hermione doesn’t believe in Divination. Though, she is going to be taking the NEWT for whatever reason (ah, yes, actually, Tom knows the reason – it’s to compete with him)

’’I SEE A GRIM!’’ Professor Sybil Trelawney shouts and clutches her heart in her hand, screaming at a poor student whose name Tom hasn’t caught yet. After a plant anyway. Girls with plant names aren’t people he’s personally fond of.

’’She sees one in the mirror every time she wakes up in the morning.’’ Harry mutters and Tom Riddle has to stifle a snort else he’ll give away his position and the fact that, truly, he couldn’t care less for Sybil’s many, many grims. She sees one almost every class.

‘’Shut up, Potter.’’ Tom Riddle attempts to be the voice of reason. Harry only looks at him with a raised eyebrow and Tom’s aware that his authority has been undermined. It isn’t an important hill to die on, so he allows Harry to win this unspoken argument. ‘’What do you see in my cup?’’

They’re adults so they’re allowed to ingest absurd amounts of caffeine in them. Tom has to hand it to Sybil Trelawney in one regard – she teaches coffee divination much better than the one with tea leaves.

Harry swipes a part of the coffee from the bottom of the mug and presses it against the outer part of the mug. It forms a ring. Tom instantly remembers that he’s got a family ring with his soul in it. Harry clucks and says that he thinks Tom’s going to find love and marriage soon. ‘’Any girls you fancy? You’ve been looking at Lavender Brown weirdly. There’s rumours.’’

Tom doesn’t know who bloody Lavender Brown is. Harry discreetly (not) points her out. Oh, it’s the plant girl. No, Tom couldn’t care less for her existence. He tells Harry as much.

‘’You fancy blokes, then?’’

The thing about the 90s is that it’s legal to like blokes. Tom Riddle’s spent all of his life pushing down any sort of feelings he may have even entertained the notion of existing towards the same sex because of his fear of, well, winding up dead or winding up in prison and then winding up dead. Mrs. Cole always ended her explanation in an orphan dying horribly. Could be where Tom’s fear of death comes from.

‘’What if I do?’’ Tom Riddle dares to ask. Underneath the table his hands are tightly wound into fists with knuckles stark white and tense. He betrays nothing on his face. He has never been more at ease when one looks at him.

Harry simply shrugs and says: ‘’You look at Blaise recently?’’ He switches sexes and tries to figure out whom Tom is going to fall for. ‘’Now he’s fucking handsome. Chiselled like a Greek god.’’

Tom can’t say that he’s noticed.

Harry begins to suspect that nobody interests Tom and that can’t be. The coffee has said so! And they’re wizards all damn it! If they won’t trust coffee to foretell the future, who will? Old Balkan grandmas who gather around for a cup of coffee and foretell the future of their grandchildren and children all while sharing the hottest titbit of gossip? Harry Potter refuses to accept this!

Fourthly:

Tom Riddle doesn’t have a war to worry about. World War II has ended a long time ago. He’s secured his immortality. Abraxas tells him that it’s definitely declassee to be a Dark Lord. The blood prejudice has petered out so much that Tom might actually get a proper job in the Ministry if he so wants to. This changes things. By a lot, actually. It gives him a certain sense of peace that he doesn’t think he’s ever felt.

Tom feels safe for the very first time in his life and he doesn’t want it to end.

A part of him dreads that it may end when Harry Potter invites him round to his home. Nonetheless he still accepts. Abraxas tells him it might do him well to branch out and socialize with people that are his age. Tom then tells Abraxas that they’re the same age. Abraxas tells him that he’s an old man and that Tom’s got the rest of his life ahead of him. And that he’s thinking of leaving him the whole of the Malfoy Estate in his will, if only to spite his son. Tom doesn’t know how to deal with that information.

Lily Potter and James Potter are a weird bunch. They’re _too_ nice.

Tom isn’t used to adults being too nice to him (Abraxas doesn’t count, they’re the same age). He’s waiting for a gag and for him to be at the centre of whatever prank Harry’s going to pull – but nothing happens. Hermione and Ron are around, too. In fact, Tom runs into them snogging. He apologizes (because, really, what else is one to do in these sorts of situations?) and leaves hastily. His face is red, but not from anger.

Harry’s nicked a motorcycle from his dogfather (yes, Tom’s asked a couple of times for the word to be repeated to him, convinced that he’s hard of hearing and that he isn’t registering that word properly in his mind) and he offers Tom a chance to ride around for a bit. ‘’I know how to ride it. Sirius has taught me. I’m not just a loon that’s nicked it without knowing what I’m about, you know.’’ He grins. Smirks? Both feel appropriate for what Harry has on his face. He hands Tom a helmet and tells him to either be a man and put it on or be a Draco Malfoy and whinge from the ground while Harry has a fun time.

Tom snorts in defence of Draco Malfoy. ‘’He’s sheltered.’’ Abraxas was the same before Tom showed him what it’s like to live outside of the confines of pureblood aristocracy. In another life, it may be Tom sitting on that motorcycle and tempting Abraxas Malfoy to do illicit things with him.

‘’Stop defending bloody Malfoy. It’s disallowed.’’ Harry laughs and begins to turn on the motorbike. Tom decides that he can’t die and that he might as well try to fly around in this thing with a bloke he may or may not fancy.

Fifthly:

Harry Potter does not know how to drive the motorbike. Tom Riddle clings onto him for dear life and wonders if there is an alternative way of flying that does not necessitate the usage of brooms, bikes, rugs, or other tools of similar construction. Vampires can fly for fuck’s sake. Tom’s certain he can tap into that magic if only given proper tutelage.

Hearing Harry scream in terror all while trying to act completely macho and in control has got to be the most hilarious bloody thing Tom Riddle’s dark sense of humour has encountered. Harry crashes the bike in a tree. They’re stuck in branches.

‘’Hey, hey Tom.’’

‘’What Harry?’’

Harry’s hanging upside down by his quidditch honed legs. One of his hands is holding his glasses to his eyes. That unruly hair is even more unruly. Tom’s covered in leaves.

‘’Nice to _leaf_ you.’’ Harry begins laughing.

Tom closes his eyes and groans very, very deeply.

They wind up falling from the tree into a fairy ring.

Coffee’s seldom wrong, but interpreters almost always are!

‘’Fuck.’’ Tom takes Harry’s hand and sprints out before the fairies can take them. ‘’Fucking _run_.’’

Harry’s lost his glasses in the fall. He deals with fear by turning up his sarcasm: ‘’You know, if I saw anything in front of my eyes I’d probably be scared shittless. But I’ve got time-travelling Head Boy Riddle by my side so I feel _super_ safe.’’

Tom decides to leave Harry to get taken by fairies. He doesn’t need to listen to this sort of abuse.

‘’Wait no, please, come back! Tom, Tom, I was fucking kidding!’’

Sixthly:

Harry Potter isn’t the forgetful sort. ‘’It’s been five years since that time you left me to get taken by fairies and later on had to orchestrate a rescue mission – I got fucking rescued by Draco Malfoy – that fairy blooded prick – so, in commemoration of that wonderful date,’’ he goes on one knee and opens up a box with a ring on it, ‘’I would like to ask you if you’d be willing to make me the happiest man alive –‘’

‘’I’ll marry you if you stop bringing the fairy incident up.’’

‘’You left a man to get taken by bloodthirsty fairies.’’

‘’They just danced with you for a bit.’’ Tom scoffs and puts the ring onto his finger. It fits him perfectly. ‘’They fed you cake. You had a wonderful time. I am so done with this victim complex, Harry.’’

Harry rolls his eyes. ‘’You want some coffee?’’ he asks.

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Awesome,’’ Harry says and then sits down next to Tom on the couch, ‘’go make us some.’’

Laughing at the sheer audacity, Tom stands up and goes to make them coffee. ‘’You’re lucky that you’re funny, Harry.’’


End file.
